The Calm Before the Storm

The spring season is upon us, if not in weather, than in arbitrary calender notation. For most of the U.S., spring means new, new, new, specifically new entertainment media to satiate their staggering boredom. With so much stressful crap in their world, both large and small, this is the cheapest and most widely available drug to "turn on, tune in, [and] drop out." And what avenue is always reliably there to give them more cheap thrills and sensory overload every year? Cinema.

Already Frank Miller's 300 has taken over the box office and I'm sure most of you have suffered through the myriad catchphrases being beaten to death in pop culture. I liked the film, but more for it's individual presentation and comic book roots than any grand theme or idea it might present. It's an opera, an orgiastic splash painting of violence, and more of how a storyteller would embellish a military campaign to pass it on, than any historical treatment. It's also a huge encouragement for people to work on their abs. Seriously, lots of abs in that movie.

But even still, the 18-30 demographic is salivating for more as the summer months draw near, and already the films are lining up to power through the audiences' wallets. This weekend alone has Tarantino and Rodriguez's Grindhouse collaboration, as well as acclaimed production house Williams Street's animated feature based off their cult TV hit Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

Neither of the films is going to offer "redeeming stories with broad appeal," but they are going to be quite successful. Why? Because they know their fan base and they give them exactly what they want; which is only what the creators' want. While on opposite ends of the pop culture spectrum (Tarantino and Rodriguez legit arthouse and commercial directors, Williams Street a Turner Broadcasting subdivision dedicated to absurdist humor), both share the artistic directive of knowing what they want to make, and making it. Trying to skew that towards an audience is not really required, because the audience bends their tastes to the productions, rather than vice versa. Also, that bomb scare in Boston was a shitload of free advertising.

After these two further assaults on pop culture, we get the tried and true "Summer Sequel Slam" with Spider-Man 3, 28 Weeks Later, Shrek 3, and Pirates of the Caribbean 3, all separated by one week each. It's honestly a big risk by all these studios to crunch every single feature into the month of May, and so close together, but it's a tried old method of studios to try and trump the hype of other franchises by making an audience choose between features.

Your movie selections for May will most likely depend on your own family makeup. The family moviegoers will see Shrek and Spidey immediately, and possibly Pirates, while the older audience members will want a taste of the frenetic in 28 Weeks Later, and a look of the Hollywood hot in Pirates. There's also bound to be a lot of crossover, so expect the big takers to be Spider-Man and Pirates, since they carry the widest and largest fan bases. If you want to avoid all this craziness at the multiplex, meaning you want a screening without a hundred screeching adolescents and little children, check for theatres showing the british cop parody, Hot Fuzz. It'll be out for several weeks beforehand, so you can enjoy it in peace.

And it doesn't stop there: June brings The 40-Year-Old Virgin fans Knocked Up, more sequels with Ocean's 13, Hostel II, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Evan Almighty and Live Free or Die Hard, as well as the latest Pixar creation, Ratatouille.

Assuming you've survived all that, July picks up with the ultra-hyped Transformers "live-action" feature (which has all the important stuff computer-generated, so good luck figuring out that label), followed by the latest Harry Potter adaptation (which will be followed by the final book being released a week later, so expect Potter mania mid-July), The Simpsons Movie and cult author Neil Gaiman's adapted work, Stardust.

So, you've had three solid months of sequels and adaptations; surely you can rest easy as we edge towards fall, right? Nope. Another "live-action" feature, Underdog (yes, that Underdog) opens August along with The Bourne Ultimatum, and they're followed by Rush Hour 3 and a film based on that god-awful toy line, Bratz. September will bring us the best-selling novel The Nanny Diaries, as well as the shameless screwball sport comedy Balls of Fury and the (hopefully) final Resident Evil film.

There's honestly much more than that to come (we haven't even reach October-December!), but I'll leave you drooling/trembling at those prospects. Within all that mess, there are actually lots of simple comedies and romances, as well as off-beat indie flicks to enjoy, so don't be fooled by mob rule into seeing what has the biggest poster. Go online and watch some trailers to see what you feel like paying for.

You're supposed to enjoy going to these, remember?